Anger Management

         

          

          Anger is often a justified or excused emotion. We rationalize our behavior and actions, often blaming other people or circumstances to be the cause of the problem. Unmanaged anger is the real problem. Like many things in life anger is a habit that we have learned or developed through our choices. In Elder Robbins talk he stated, “To those who say, “But I can’t help myself,” author William Wilbanks responds: “Nonsense.” “Aggression, ... suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past ” (Robbins 1998). We often choose anger because its easy. The “Natural Man” would have us believe that it is the only way to handle the situation. There is a better way. There is a better choice. Elder Robbins continues by saying, “We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again”” (Robbins 1998). We can choose to replace a bad habit with a better more rewarding one. Choosing not to become angry will not only bless our lives and the lives of those around us it will also bring us closer to our Heavenly Father and allow his spirit to dwell within us more abundantly. Anger drives the spirit away. It robs us of compassion, understanding, charity, and opportunities to teach and to guide. Ultimately it can cost us our relationships.

In our home, recently this has become a big topic as we are striving to teach our children to respond instead of react. I will often have my kids stop and think about what they are feeling and doing. I will ask them, “are you reacting or are you responding”. When we choose to react, we are giving way to let our emotions control us, when we choose to respond we are controlling our emotions. As with any habit or consistent choice it takes effort and sacrifice to change. I am confident the through the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ all things can be overcome. Even those things that may seem impossible.

Reference

Robbins, L. G. (1988, May). Agency and Anger. Retrieved November 06, 2017, from

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/05/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

No Room for Pride

          Pride is the first to the scene, yet always the last to be blamed. As I have looked back and focused on the little ways pride creeps into not only our hearts but into how we respond and treat those closest to us. Pride is not only self-destructive in nature it can destroy not only us but also filters down into our lives like the mist of darkness mentioned by Lehi in the Book of Mormon. As I read President Kimball’s talk on pride, I realized that over time I have let my defensive down and have let little bits of pride run rampant in my heart. I have not kept my heart humble. I have let pride cloaked in many disguises waltz right in like an invited guest. I have let it into not only my heart but also my home and marriage.
        Quoting from President Kimball he states, “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod”. Letting go of the iron rod should never be an option. We convince ourselves that something else has become more important that firmly holding on. In James C. Christensen’s painting “Hold to the Rod” we get the perfect imagery of what we weigh ourselves down with to the point that we no longer have hands to spare to hold to the iron rod. In marriage, it could be, our plans, our goals, our inability to forgive, our bitter words, our personal preferences, or our self-righteousness.
        Putting other’s needs, wants, and desires above our own do not make us less. It makes us more. More charitable, more compassionate, more Christlike. This week I have dug deep and found some things that I just don’t like about me. I am proud though I long to be humble. Each day affords me the opportunity to start anew, and each time I call upon Heavenly Father for help in granting me the gift of true humility I get one step closer and my grasp on the rod becomes a little firmer.

Continuing To Dance

           

              As I have read and contemplated on turning towards this week. I have thought about the many things we turn towards or turn away from. We are meant to turn towards the Lord and turn away from sin. We turn our hearts towards our ancestors and turn away from worldly distractions.  As we seek to turn towards the good and away from the negative influences our lives become more meaningful and more purposeful. This week as I have worked with the intention to turn towards my husband I have realized how much I miss opportunities by either intentionally or unintentionally turning away. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, seeking to meet the demands and responsibility of raising a family we allow ourselves to become separated by our individual roles. I liked the imagery of marriage being like a dance. Life pulls us apart and yet as we turn towards each other we find the familiar pull that brings us closer together, always finding a way to stay connected as the dance moves along.  

            Turning towards each other requires deliberate attention, actions, thoughtfulness, and the turning away from one’s own self-interest to meet the needs of the other. As I have focused and strived to noticed my husband’s bids and my responses, I have realized how many I miss an opportunity to turn towards him due to distraction. Learning to put aside or to notice the little things takes effort, but that effort produces far greater rewards and a far more beautiful dance.

References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage  Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Dusting Off Our Love Map

What are love maps? To me they are little notes you take for yourself as you navigate life with your spouse. Little notes and lists like, he doesn’t like pepper in his food, he needs time to unwind after work, he has an important meeting today so I will prepare his favorite breakfast and pray specifically about his meeting. As I have learned about what love maps are and how they can help a marriage I have found a greater desire to dust off and create a larger more detailed love map. I feel that after a while you get into a routine and you don’t pay as much attention to the little things that are important to your spouse. This week I have enjoyed taking the time to think of all the little things that make my husband unique and special to me. Something that I really haven't done in a while. We tend to allow too much of the “Natural Man” into our hearts and lives. We forget what really matters and what is really important. Since focusing on the little things that I love and enjoy about my husband I have had a lot less time to think and fester on the differences that irritate me. 

I have also been thinking about other maps. Specifically, the Marauders Map in Harry Potter. Harry can find the information he is looking for and keep track of the people in his life by looking at the map. The key phrase to Harry Potters map is “mischief managed”. How coincidental that it is that phrase. If we keep and maintain our love maps we can better manage the mischief that comes our way. We are better prepared to meet the needs and changes of our spouse as we come to know and understand them better.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A 

Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony Books.

First Comes Friendship Then Comes Marriage.

            Marriage and friendship go hand in hand. Marriage is a lot easier to keep if friendship is strong. Once that friendship begins to fade it becomes harder to keep marriage afloat. I have found within my own marriage that when our friendship is strong and we are striving to maintain that bond of not only common curtesy, but also transparent honesty things are so much happier. We flirt more, we talk more, we address conflicts right away before they can turn into frustration and resentment. We don’t change the things we disagree over we just fail to be disagreeable to one another. We strive for an agree to disagree, but still care enough about each other to respect our differences.  I think sometimes we work harder to maintain our friendships than we do trying to maintain our marriage. When marriage is viewed as simply a contract until one of us gets bored or dies it loses the greatest aspect of marriage, true and abiding friendship. One of the greatest blessings of marriage is the constant love that comes along with a strong friendship. Someone to go through all the ups and downs of life. I can’t imagine having fun riding a roller coaster alone. The hills and valleys are so much more thrilling and enjoyable with someone to laugh and screech together with. Life is no different having a true friend by our side makes the ride so much more worth the cost.

            In his book Gottman states, “If you can accommodate each other’s “crazy” side and handle it with caring, affection and respect, your Marriage can thrive (Gottman, 2015 p. 16). I have found that the best of friends are just that, people who can see your specific kind of “crazy” and love you anyways. Marriage is no different if you have a deep friendship you can embrace each other’s quirks and uniqueness and almost find it down right adorable. When that friendship isn’t as strong or foundational those same quirks and uniqueness can become annoying and irritating. I am no expert on marriage or friendship, but I do know that my marriage is happier when I am being a good friend to my husband and striving to put each others happiness as a top priority like any good friend would.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A

Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Blessings of the Temple

            These week’s topic has been on Marriage as a covenant not just a contract. As I read about the covenants we make in the temple it hit home to me just how binding those covenants are. Not only do they bind us to the Lord, but the bind us together as husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters. I reflected on these things while in the temple and felt an overwhelming gratitude for the gift of temples. In reading President Ezra Taft Bensons remarks on the blessings of the temple he stated,

“• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.

• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.

• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.

• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.

• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)

• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.) “ (Benson 1986)

I really appreciated the wording here. These are not “you can” statements. They are “you will” statements. If we go to the temple worthily and keep our covenants we will receive these blessings. These blessings are not just limited to ourselves, but also to our loved ones. How wonderful it is that we have temples in our midst to invoke the blessings of heaven to pour down on us.

References

Benson, E. T. (1986). What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple.

Retrieved October 04, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/liahona/1986/04/what-i-hope-you-would-teach-your-children-about-the-temple?lang=eng