Two Types of Debt

          

          As we wrap up this marriage class and finish the semester with some of the struggles of marriage being indebtedness, and extended family relationships. I thought about how those two struggles tie together. There are two types of debts in what we have been talking about this week. Spending unwisely, borrowing, using credit cards, and living outside our means all cause stress in marriage and bring us into the bondage of debt. We feel trapped by our circumstances and perpetuate the problem as we strive to undo what we have done to our finances. This can also relate to our relationships with our extended family especially when we are newly married. We need to communicate and set clear boundaries with our families so that we can give greatest priority to our new budding relationship. We need to not over extend our time, talents, and emotional connection with our families while avoiding the time and effort required to keep our marriage flourishing. Without careful thought and planning both our financial and marriage freedom can be brought down into bondage, the bondage of our circumstances. I know from personal experience how damaging it can be to marriage to put parents above spouse. It erodes trust, confidence, and adds unnecessary strain to marital relationships as well as relationships with extended family. It is wise counsel to set up and establish ourselves as a couple away from our parents and lean on one another for support and encouragement. Extended family relationships are important and can bring into our lives joy, peace, comfort, and occasional support. But couples first need to learn to lean on and rely on one another, they need to learn couple self-reliance through experiencing the ups and the downs together forming tighter bonds and mutual adoration. Those this may seem easy to accomplish on paper it is not so easy to accomplish with dynamic people who have had shared life experiences and expectations. It takes prayerful consideration of how to best meet the needs and demands of each individual relationship. Heavenly Father knows each and every one of us and wants nothing more than to see us grow and develop into the eternal families that we have the potential to become. He knows the needs and desires of all our hearts and will help us navigate these sometimes tricky relationships to help us have a loving and successful family life.

References

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." 

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Family Council: Couples Council

For the last 6 ,or so, months our family has been holding regular family councils. We have been going over calendar events, menus, and other important family topics and discussions. Although we have been faithful at meeting together as a family we have not taken the wise counsel to meet together for a couple’s council. I would list of several excuses or reasons why we have failed to do so, but each would fall flat. We have not only missed opportunities we have missed blessings. Having time to meet regularly in a couple’s council would better prepare us for our family councils, individualized councils with our children, as well as allow us time to express love and appreciation for the work that each companion does to the functioning and running of our home and family. We have missed out on the added blessing of the revelations from heaven as we meet together to discuss the needs of each of our family members. If we are to safely navigate the rough waters of parenthood we need Heavenly guidance to show us the way. To light the path, we face in the dark and unknown waters ahead. Meeting together frequently can help couples have increased unity and love as they work together for the common good of their family. As mothers and fathers come together they work out family struggles and trials in harmony and love. I am so grateful that we have the knowledge and example of the church government and how it can be applied in the home. I have seen these councils in action and my testimony of their effectiveness grows each time I am privileged enough to serve within one. I love how they can help us to teach and raise our children. A few weeks ago, we had been having some difficulty with our children and the lack of cooperation with us and each other. I sent them off to council together on what they thought we should do to help correct the problem. They came back with a well thought out and written contract signed by all four of them. Both my husband and I read their commitments, added our own commitments, and then signed the contract. Though it wasn’t a formal council with an opening and closing prayer it was a council that came together in unity and love seeking to bring better light and joy to our home. Even if my children forget the contract they signed I hope they at least walked away from the experience with a better understanding of the wonderful powerful influence that counseling together can have in our lives both in church settings as well as within the home. My husband and I will be repenting of our lack of attention to this vital council and seek to make it a regular and consistent part of our family life.

Reference

Ballard, M. R. (2012). Counseling with our councils: learning to minister together in the church

and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

"We Are Just Friends"

“We are just friends,” If we feel the need to say this I feel that we have already hit justification mode. It is so easy to get caught up in Satan’s small little deceptions. Every sin starts out in a smaller, innocent, and easily justified form. Its all sin, but those little infractions form individual threads that one by one intricately weave together until we are caught in a web much harder to be released from. Why do we allow ourselves to be led one tread at a time? Why do we allow our eyes to wander, our words to flatter, our hearts to yearn, and ultimately our bodies to betray? My favorite thing we read about this week was that the "grass is greener on the side you water" (Goddard, 2009). If we are spending the time in the “garden” of our marriage instead of the field of “friendship” we will have adequate time to weed, cultivate, care for, and nurture our most prized relationships. When we wander to and take time away to cultivate and treasure other relationships above our little garden. We risk letting it become overrun with neglect. Of course, if we leave our garden for any length of time weeds will begin to grow, bugs infest, and thorns emerge, in our once beautiful garden. If we compare our garden to another we will feel it is not enough. Why do we leave our garden? We leave for many reasons, we feel it is too much work, we feel that it is not what we thought it would be, we feel that we deserve a change. The flowers that bloom are not exactly what we had hoped for. This imagery of the grass being greener where we water is perfect for the marriage relationship. If we neglect or fail to care for our marriage other garden's will look better. But if we are diligent, mindful, and ever present in our marriage it will grow and each flower that blooms will have meaning and purpose in our lives. Each marriage has times of hardship where we must make choices on how best to help our garden continue to grow. True marriage is a celestial covenant and because of its importance to our Heavenly Fathers plan Satan will try to attack it as best as he can. He will not come storming in beating down the door to destroy it. He will work his way in the cracks and tiny spaces that we allow him to fill. We need to be diligent in keeping those cracks and tiny spaces from forming. We need to care for and water the grass where we are instead of hoping for greener garden’s elsewhere.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Forgiving ourselves

            As we have gone through our coursework and sought diligently to uncover the bare bones of our marriage. Exposing those things that help us come together as well as those things that drive our marriages apart. I have found great sorrows in past actions, as well and great joys for the future choices. I think the greatest thing I have learned or that I am still learning is forgiving ourselves. We forgive our spouses, we forgive our children, and we forgive our neighbors, but do we forgive ourselves? Do we look on past mistakes as steps, albeit difficult ones, that have lead up to a higher perspective. In Gottman’s book he states, “If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not therein yourself and your partner” (Gottman, 2015 p. 283). We look for the weaknesses in ourselves, our spouses, our children, and in everyone we see. We find disappointment lurking in every corner because that is what we are looking for. If we are looking for the good in life, for the good in our marriages, for the good in our spouses we will find it.

            How do we overcome this negative view through the magnifying glass, both within ourselves and others? Again, in his book Gottman gives wise counsel he states, “Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt” (Gottman, 2015 p. 283). Even self-criticism and inner contempt. Gratitude is the key for unlocking the vision and seeing the good in what is all around us. Self-acceptance does not mean that we stop progressing and changing. Self-acceptance means that we accept where we are on our journey and allow ourselves an opportunity to recognize how far we have come without condemning ourselves because of the greater distance we have yet to travel. This week and the following weeks after I will work on taking the time to truly be grateful for the blessings I have and allow myself to enjoy just being me. To accept all of me as a work in progress and look for that same acceptance in everyone I meet. Gratitude is a simple solution to a dangerous poison.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Anger Management

         

          

          Anger is often a justified or excused emotion. We rationalize our behavior and actions, often blaming other people or circumstances to be the cause of the problem. Unmanaged anger is the real problem. Like many things in life anger is a habit that we have learned or developed through our choices. In Elder Robbins talk he stated, “To those who say, “But I can’t help myself,” author William Wilbanks responds: “Nonsense.” “Aggression, ... suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past ” (Robbins 1998). We often choose anger because its easy. The “Natural Man” would have us believe that it is the only way to handle the situation. There is a better way. There is a better choice. Elder Robbins continues by saying, “We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again”” (Robbins 1998). We can choose to replace a bad habit with a better more rewarding one. Choosing not to become angry will not only bless our lives and the lives of those around us it will also bring us closer to our Heavenly Father and allow his spirit to dwell within us more abundantly. Anger drives the spirit away. It robs us of compassion, understanding, charity, and opportunities to teach and to guide. Ultimately it can cost us our relationships.

In our home, recently this has become a big topic as we are striving to teach our children to respond instead of react. I will often have my kids stop and think about what they are feeling and doing. I will ask them, “are you reacting or are you responding”. When we choose to react, we are giving way to let our emotions control us, when we choose to respond we are controlling our emotions. As with any habit or consistent choice it takes effort and sacrifice to change. I am confident the through the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ all things can be overcome. Even those things that may seem impossible.

Reference

Robbins, L. G. (1988, May). Agency and Anger. Retrieved November 06, 2017, from

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/05/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

No Room for Pride

          Pride is the first to the scene, yet always the last to be blamed. As I have looked back and focused on the little ways pride creeps into not only our hearts but into how we respond and treat those closest to us. Pride is not only self-destructive in nature it can destroy not only us but also filters down into our lives like the mist of darkness mentioned by Lehi in the Book of Mormon. As I read President Kimball’s talk on pride, I realized that over time I have let my defensive down and have let little bits of pride run rampant in my heart. I have not kept my heart humble. I have let pride cloaked in many disguises waltz right in like an invited guest. I have let it into not only my heart but also my home and marriage.
        Quoting from President Kimball he states, “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod”. Letting go of the iron rod should never be an option. We convince ourselves that something else has become more important that firmly holding on. In James C. Christensen’s painting “Hold to the Rod” we get the perfect imagery of what we weigh ourselves down with to the point that we no longer have hands to spare to hold to the iron rod. In marriage, it could be, our plans, our goals, our inability to forgive, our bitter words, our personal preferences, or our self-righteousness.
        Putting other’s needs, wants, and desires above our own do not make us less. It makes us more. More charitable, more compassionate, more Christlike. This week I have dug deep and found some things that I just don’t like about me. I am proud though I long to be humble. Each day affords me the opportunity to start anew, and each time I call upon Heavenly Father for help in granting me the gift of true humility I get one step closer and my grasp on the rod becomes a little firmer.

Continuing To Dance

           

              As I have read and contemplated on turning towards this week. I have thought about the many things we turn towards or turn away from. We are meant to turn towards the Lord and turn away from sin. We turn our hearts towards our ancestors and turn away from worldly distractions.  As we seek to turn towards the good and away from the negative influences our lives become more meaningful and more purposeful. This week as I have worked with the intention to turn towards my husband I have realized how much I miss opportunities by either intentionally or unintentionally turning away. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, seeking to meet the demands and responsibility of raising a family we allow ourselves to become separated by our individual roles. I liked the imagery of marriage being like a dance. Life pulls us apart and yet as we turn towards each other we find the familiar pull that brings us closer together, always finding a way to stay connected as the dance moves along.  

            Turning towards each other requires deliberate attention, actions, thoughtfulness, and the turning away from one’s own self-interest to meet the needs of the other. As I have focused and strived to noticed my husband’s bids and my responses, I have realized how many I miss an opportunity to turn towards him due to distraction. Learning to put aside or to notice the little things takes effort, but that effort produces far greater rewards and a far more beautiful dance.

References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage  Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony Books.